Reclaim Your Time: The Art of Saying "No" and Setting Boundaries
If your conditioned response to saying “yes” has brought you to a minefield, here’s help to get you out.
Do you ever end your day wondering, "What did I actually accomplish today?" If the answer is yes, you're far from alone.
Managing a heavy workload at the same time you’re moving projects forward, supporting your team, and managing stakeholder relationships can be overwhelming – especially if you're in the habit of saying "yes" to most requests that come your way. It’s not a fun place to be, and is a slippery slope to a very unwanted destination: burnout. Here is where the power of effectively setting boundaries and saying "no" can liberate you in reclaiming your time and energy.
Why We Struggle with Saying No
The first step to creating change is understanding why saying “no” is so difficult.
When an unwanted request comes our way, it can surface feelings of guilt, obligation, or responsibility. Ultimately, these emotions stem from societal expectations that encourage conformity. We’re rewarded for taking things on, are praised for going the extra mile, and are wired to feel appreciated. This is reinforced by many organizations and leaders (whether done consciously or not) who encourage us to say “yes” to stretch projects for growth and career advancement. In the US (but it’s not exclusive to us!), we’ve bred a culture of hyper-achievers – where we’re dependent on constant performance for self-respect and validation. These systemic forces can lead to unsustainable workaholic tendencies where we’re operating in overdrive, are moving too fast, and don’t celebrate our successes before moving on to what’s next. This steady churn creates an environment where saying “yes” becomes a knee-jerk reaction.
As we gain awareness around how the systems we’re living in fuel these tendencies, let’s turn the lens inward to gauge where our own egos might be involved. Saying “yes” to unwanted requests can also stem from:
a need to step in and fix things
a deep-seated need to be liked or valued
a desire to help (or be seen as helpful)
proving you’re capable
wanting to ease the burden of the person asking for your help
None of these are unreasonable – we’re human, after all. They’re coming from a place of good intentions, and wanting to be helpful. But ultimately, the validation we’re receiving from these drivers might be undermining our larger commitments to ourselves.
How Saying “Yes” Can Get In Your Way
If the act of saying “yes” is quelling one of your egoic needs, it’s only a short-term fix. With the immediate issue / situation / problem handled, you can check it off your list (that cortisol hit feels good!). However, that “yes” potentially opens you up to a broader set of hard emotions with a longer shelf life: including resentment, anger, frustration, or regret. When you tackle a request without pausing to reflect on why you agreed to do it in the first place, you’re creating a potentially dangerous pattern that leads to overburdening yourself, feeling crappy about it, while stoking emotional fires that strain your relationship with the person who made the request.
Let me be clear: saying “yes” at the right time (to the right thing) can be FANTASTIC – it can be an opportunity to experiment, learn new things, and grow. You definitely don’t want to say “no” to everything! But how do you know what’s right for you? And uncover the patterns you’re creating for yourself?
Start with assessing if a request is aligned with your goals, values, and larger needs to make smarter decisions on what you take on, and what to politely decline. There’s a line between where growth happens and over-functioning. Take the time to break it down, decide where to draw the line, and re-pattern before you start dancing with burnout.
The Keys To Freedom:
I see the keys to this kingdom as a combination of three things:
Getting honest about why you’re saying “yes”
Embracing a discerning mindset where you prioritize – a recurring cost/benefit analysis of what matters, what deserves your time, and what you gain by saying “no”
Drawing boundaries that work for you, and changing your own behaviors to reinforce them.
“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage – pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically – to say “no” to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger “yes” burning inside.” - Stephen R. Covey
The Psychology of Boundaries
Drawing boundaries is a healthy practice. They provide guardrails for your relationships, and what we can expect from each other. At a baseline level: boundaries clarify what’s ok and what’s not ok.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t create boundaries in our lives until we reach exhaustion, lose our cool, or show up in a way that we’re not proud of. When the negative emotions have taken over, we engage in conversations that don’t foster strong relationships. We get frustrated with each other (“I can’t believe he asked me that!”), beat ourselves up (“Why did I agree to this?”) – neither solving the larger problem as we dig ourselves deeper into the pattern.
It’s also natural for us to test boundaries — to see how far we can push beyond limitations. We do this throughout our lives to verify ideas, understand consequences, and learn from our experiences (for better or worse). Just as it’s human to want to say “yes”, the same is true for the tendency to push limits. Here’s where compassion comes in — for both yourself when you set your own boundary, and offer the same grace to others if they’ve crossed a line you’ve laid down. Use it as an opportunity to gauge expectations, understand where communication can be more clear, and how you might adapt next time in alignment with your priorities.
Setting Effective Boundaries
If you’ve come to realize you’re essentially giving your power away with too many “yeses”, you’re ready to introduce boundaries. To successfully achieve them, you need these essential components:
Create boundaries that are aligned with your top (and current) priorities. What are the things you’ll never do, or never accept as reasonable?
Boundaries are not one-size-fits-all.
Some are more concrete than others (where “no” is a hard “no”). For example, I will never check email on the weekends.
Others are more porous (these are the “yes . . . but” or “maybe” scenarios). For example, someone consistently asks for your advice and books you into meetings without asking in advance. Maybe you set up a time to discuss how much time you can contribute to these meetings, or if you need to be there at all.
Ensure there is clarity in how you create them, and they are understood. You want to ensure everyone involved knows what success looks like, so you can push back if this isn’t happening.
Boundaries aren’t just about setting limits for others - you need to enforce them for yourself. By failing to uphold the boundaries you’ve set, you’re both enabling people to keep stepping over them and normalizing the behavior.
Saying “no” and setting boundaries doesn't mean you're unkind or uncooperative – it means you're prioritizing your well-being and effectiveness. In turn, this allows you to show up more fully for the tasks and people that matter most.
Reclaiming your time won’t happen by hoping others do things differently. Start winning it back — and finding freedom — by understanding what’s really getting in the way of advocating for what you want through crafting realistic, compassionate, and respectful boundaries.
Looking for more strategies to recapture your time through boundaries and saying “no”? Join me for my (free!) webinar on July 24th where we’ll delve deeper into how to delegate, stay away from picking up other people's work, and letting go of perfectionism and empower team members to grow.
If you find this helpful and want more support in reclaiming your time, let’s have a conversation about how we might partner through coaching or consulting.
Find more information about me and Weller Collaboration at wellercollaboration.com
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